Ebb and Flow. Trusting Your Intution and self expression. Update.

It has been a while since I have sat down and written a blog post. The summer has come and gone and the air and scenery is changing as all things do. I was in need of a breather this summer, needed to inhale, take in nature and feel with all my senses, which is why the blog sort of took a back seat. My friend Jean (of the amazing Drossintogold) told me recently life is full of ebb and flow, and I couldn't agree more. The only constant in life is change. I think sometimes I'm happy with my presence being more outward, through social media and blogposts and other times I need to renew inward and take a break form the internet. I think I took a little longer than I needed because I missed it and missed all of you!

What have I been up to? Lots of reading, researching/taking in knowledge, enjoying time with family and friends, the outdoors, a little bit of traveling and of course work. I did a few weddings/sessions, some I can't share because the families requested privacy and others I would love to share on the blog eventually. Hope you all enjoyed your summer and are ready to jump into fall or whatever season you are transitioning into.

One of the books I really enjoyed reading was one called Divine Intuition by Lynn Robinson.  It talks a lot about listening and trusting your intuition. Trusting the voice of love inside, trusting yourself. It infuses a lot of the follow your dream mentality, follow what you enjoy doing, follow your excitement. What is sort of divine is I picked this book up at the thrift store. It was exactly what I needed at that time.

The reading follows a workbook format where there is content and little blurbs or pages allowing you to pause and answer questions based on your life experience. One of the exercises had you imagine yourself enjoying something. What does that image look like? What are you wearing (loved that one)? What are you doing?

I pictured myself decked out in this unique ensemble. I was at an exhibit, my exhibit! Proud of work that I had put so much of myself into. Then I realized that is what I love to do. Create art, and be art both inwardly and outwardly. Self expression is like breathing to me. There's no other way for me to describe it. I notice how I feel when I'm not doing it, the build up of this uneasy feeling that I have to release. Which is what I'm feeling right now. My sister (of Dream It Up Cookies) who also has the artist bug says artists are gifted and cursed at the same time. I have to agree, it can be both a blessing and a source of anxiety. I find myself constantly trying to find a balance between that ebb and flow.

Do any of you get this overwhelming emotion to express yourself? How do you work through it? Would love to hear your stories.

I've been feeling a divine push lately and I'm ready to jump in. I have three projects I'm so excited to be working on in the next few months. I'm collaborating with Papaya! on something that is very special to me. If you haven't read my feature on artist Anahata Katkin's blog go check it out. It is one of the most beautiful things I've read about my work and I have to admit it was a revelation to me! It was really the boost of assurance I needed as I continue on this interesting path I have taken. I'm also working on an editorial with a great team of artists that will be exhibited this winter (Inshallah), and my personal ongoing project Red, White and Blue.

Hope you are all following and trusting your intuition. Go for it. Don't let the past or your negative thoughts hold you back. You are a unique expression of life. Don't let society dictate that expression. It can't be put into a box. Be aware of it, explore it, hone your craft and let it out!

Much love,
Feda

P.S. The images are double exposure using two images. Portraits of myself and images of flowers I took in the spring. I love how they turned out. 

Reflections on Change

In my sophomore year of high school I randomly decided to switch high schools. For one reason or another, I felt like I didn't fit into the high school I was in. There were other superficial reasons that I would give my friends/family but deep down I felt I needed a change of scenery. It happened quickly. I didn't give it much thought. I just did it.

It was that year at my new high school that I took an art class to fill space in my schedule. I enjoyed art in middle school so I thought why not? I still remember drawing a still life of a vase with flowers. I was sketching but I wasn't very good at it. I was consumed with thoughts about how it was supposed to look. I was a bit frustrated so I asked my art teacher how to draw the petals that sort of looked like they were coming at you. They didn't curve to the side like the image in my head of a flower. She said don't THINK about what it's supposed to look like, just draw. Draw exactly what you SEE. At that moment I felt a deep connection with the flower. I didn't see it as a flower, it was shapes, lines, shadows, and shades. I was seeing it in a different light. Not for what my mind wanted it to be, but for what it was. It's essence. I felt it come alive as it was coming to life on my paper. I was tuning into something much greater than me, from one life to another.

I found out soon after I met my teacher that she was also going through her own changes. She had been the director of the art program for many years and wanted to return back to her rural roots to spend the rest of her years teaching. I was really sad that she was leaving. I had grown quite a bond with her in those few short weeks. It was through her that I first felt the power of an outlet for self expression. The power of living in the moment, and of creating from a place deep within. I learned how to express my unique colors. The power of feeling something much greater than you channeled into art.

I think I had told her, wow that's a big change, and she said to me, well the only constant thing in life is change. It was hard for me to accept but at that moment I had an awakening through her words. We don't often notice when things are changing until they actually change. Before the change there's pain, there's resistance, and clinging to the known. Why would we want to face the unknown? We hope that with change comes growth, and intuitively I think we know when we need change. Just as I knew I needed to make that switch from one school to the other. Although she moved on, her essence remained with me. I appreciated the wisdom she left with me. Looking back, the sequence of events seems to fit like a puzzle. If I had never switched schools, I would never have taken that art class, and I would never have met such an inspiring woman who would affect my life so much so that I still remember those moments so richly. That those words, I would carry with me forever.

Change is scary but when I feel it stir within me it's an emotion I can recognize now. It's an overwhelming feeling of excitement and fear all in one. If we're not changing, we're not growing. It's usually not so sudden. Change stirs within us for long periods. It causes tension, heightened emotions but ultimately it is the exact thing that needs to happen. The evolution of self.

My thoughts are scattered in this post. I'm expressing something but I'm not yet ready to talk about it in a public way. I consider this blog as a diary of photos, life, and self expression. The reality of others reading it still hasn't sunk in all the way. I'm the type that can't help but express how I feel. I like being honest. I like sharing vulnerable moments because I think it's important to be human. That is sort of what keeps me writing even when there's an audience.  I'm writing this to reflect but also in the hope that these reflections help anyone out there that is going through their own changes.

Something I've been reading to myself lately is this quote that my dear friend sent me, that her friend sent to her. (Thank you Dina and Hanan if you are reading!) I think it describes change beautifully.

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”

Alice Walker, Living by the Word

How beautiful right?! When I went out to take a photo for today's post everything was covered in snow. Yes, we had more snow today. I was looking for something to signify change, something blooming. Well nothing was growing. It was all dead, except for this tree with branches that were starting to bud. Yay! Thank you tree! This tree grows the most beautiful flowers. It looks so magical in the spring. I just love this little bud recreating intself into the world. Again, how beautiful, because although life is full of struggle and change, it still remains beautiful in one form or another.

Happy change everyone.
Much love <3
Feda