Dark Wings

Your deepest presence,
Is in every small contraction and expansion.
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings.

Rumi

This quote is really where I'm at these days mentally. Trying to just be, and to feel my essence in everything I do. Breathing is such a miraculous thing I often take for granted. It is not only necessary for living but for maintaining balance. I've been getting back into yoga and the instructor often tells us to focus on our breath during the more strenuous poses. It's crazy how well it works, even when you feel you're about to fall apart. I'm trying to incorporate this more into daily life as well and this quote is such a beautiful way to think about the present moment. I've always had a thing with birds and wings <3

Black has felt like home to me lately. Which is so different for me because I never used to wear it at all, but I'm enjoying the feeling of change and experimentation. I dress to my mood and what I'm intuitively drawn to. I love that this top literally made me feel like I had wings. I'm reading this book called, "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Today I read such a beautiful passage about a duck. It was describing how humans tend to cling to the past in an unhealthy way. He talked about how ducks sometimes get into short quarrels. They do their thing, figure it out, and then each duck flaps its wings and returns to being, like nothing happened. The process of the duck flapping its wings is sort of its release from the moment. It's letting go of what happened and by the time it lands it's back to just being. I see this happen with my birds too. They have these momentary quarrels and then they're back to their playing, flying, eating, and chirping in a second! He goes on to talk about how our memories are there to help us learn from our mistakes and to grow. They are not there to trap us into a mental prison that prevents us from living and being present/happy.

So back to the outfit. These pants are really strange and I'm aware that they are saggy in the crotch area looool. They are meant to be worn under a traditional Pakistani outfit but I decided to experiment and wear them like this. Even though it looks weird, I still think it's funky as hell! When I worked with stylist Nicole from this shoot, she did something similar in one of the outfits and I've been wanting to experiment with pants like that ever since. I'll be hunting for some the next time I go thrifting for sure.

I really enjoyed the release of dressing up in these colors and feeling the wind beneath my "wings" in this kimono cover up thingy. By the way, this is my first sewing clothing creation!!! I took a few sewing classes with my mom and I finally learned how to sew. (If you're in my area check out In Stitches Sewing) I'm really happy with how it came out and it was super affordable for my low budget style. It took me a few hours but the actual design is easy to make because it's basically a box! We used a pattern she had and modified it to what I was looking for. It was a bit too baggy looking and my teacher suggested sewing a line on the sides to slim it down, instead of taking it in, so it wouldn't loose the wing effect. I'm glad we did that because those wings are my favorite part.

Stay present!

Feda

P.S. Let me know if you want a post on how to make something like this. It's very beginner friendly :)

Outfit Details:
Winged kimono: Handmade with love.
Turban: Scarf wrapped like a turban by Lucky Brand from TJ Maxx
Button up shirt: H&M
Pants: Hand me down
Ballet Flats: also Lucky Brand from TJ Maxx
Chunky Turquoise Necklace: Tibetan shop 
Hamsa necklace: Pendant from Michaels craft store and I added the chain and painted the stone turquoise.
Little turquoise spike/pendant H&M
Sometimes people ask me about my lipstick. This is a Wet N Wild pencil in Mink Brown with a Wet N Wild matte lipstick in Mocha-licious in the center and blended out to make the pencil more creamy. It comes out like a really dark brown with some reddy/cool/brown in the center. I love this combo!

Reflections on Change

In my sophomore year of high school I randomly decided to switch high schools. For one reason or another, I felt like I didn't fit into the high school I was in. There were other superficial reasons that I would give my friends/family but deep down I felt I needed a change of scenery. It happened quickly. I didn't give it much thought. I just did it.

It was that year at my new high school that I took an art class to fill space in my schedule. I enjoyed art in middle school so I thought why not? I still remember drawing a still life of a vase with flowers. I was sketching but I wasn't very good at it. I was consumed with thoughts about how it was supposed to look. I was a bit frustrated so I asked my art teacher how to draw the petals that sort of looked like they were coming at you. They didn't curve to the side like the image in my head of a flower. She said don't THINK about what it's supposed to look like, just draw. Draw exactly what you SEE. At that moment I felt a deep connection with the flower. I didn't see it as a flower, it was shapes, lines, shadows, and shades. I was seeing it in a different light. Not for what my mind wanted it to be, but for what it was. It's essence. I felt it come alive as it was coming to life on my paper. I was tuning into something much greater than me, from one life to another.

I found out soon after I met my teacher that she was also going through her own changes. She had been the director of the art program for many years and wanted to return back to her rural roots to spend the rest of her years teaching. I was really sad that she was leaving. I had grown quite a bond with her in those few short weeks. It was through her that I first felt the power of an outlet for self expression. The power of living in the moment, and of creating from a place deep within. I learned how to express my unique colors. The power of feeling something much greater than you channeled into art.

I think I had told her, wow that's a big change, and she said to me, well the only constant thing in life is change. It was hard for me to accept but at that moment I had an awakening through her words. We don't often notice when things are changing until they actually change. Before the change there's pain, there's resistance, and clinging to the known. Why would we want to face the unknown? We hope that with change comes growth, and intuitively I think we know when we need change. Just as I knew I needed to make that switch from one school to the other. Although she moved on, her essence remained with me. I appreciated the wisdom she left with me. Looking back, the sequence of events seems to fit like a puzzle. If I had never switched schools, I would never have taken that art class, and I would never have met such an inspiring woman who would affect my life so much so that I still remember those moments so richly. That those words, I would carry with me forever.

Change is scary but when I feel it stir within me it's an emotion I can recognize now. It's an overwhelming feeling of excitement and fear all in one. If we're not changing, we're not growing. It's usually not so sudden. Change stirs within us for long periods. It causes tension, heightened emotions but ultimately it is the exact thing that needs to happen. The evolution of self.

My thoughts are scattered in this post. I'm expressing something but I'm not yet ready to talk about it in a public way. I consider this blog as a diary of photos, life, and self expression. The reality of others reading it still hasn't sunk in all the way. I'm the type that can't help but express how I feel. I like being honest. I like sharing vulnerable moments because I think it's important to be human. That is sort of what keeps me writing even when there's an audience.  I'm writing this to reflect but also in the hope that these reflections help anyone out there that is going through their own changes.

Something I've been reading to myself lately is this quote that my dear friend sent me, that her friend sent to her. (Thank you Dina and Hanan if you are reading!) I think it describes change beautifully.

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”

Alice Walker, Living by the Word

How beautiful right?! When I went out to take a photo for today's post everything was covered in snow. Yes, we had more snow today. I was looking for something to signify change, something blooming. Well nothing was growing. It was all dead, except for this tree with branches that were starting to bud. Yay! Thank you tree! This tree grows the most beautiful flowers. It looks so magical in the spring. I just love this little bud recreating intself into the world. Again, how beautiful, because although life is full of struggle and change, it still remains beautiful in one form or another.

Happy change everyone.
Much love <3
Feda

Reflection on Project Life 365 2013

Around this time last year I randomly decided to do a 365 photo journey. I had no idea what I was getting into. I just did it. I took a picture and uploaded it on January 1st and started this photo a day journey. What I didn't realize was how much this project would help me grow as an artist and human.

I started the project to hone my photography skills and document daily life. I was feeling down about the last few years and I needed something to change. I had so much creative energy but I just never knew how to use any of it. Project life gave me the opportunity to explore the world within me and the world around me in a spiritual and creative way.

Now that I look back I'm not sure what got into me. I was just really excited to create and that energy propelled me forward. Even though I was forced to put msyelf out there everyday, I just didn't care. Sort of like those kids that ski past you on the hill. They have this fearlessness that is just so amazing. This is actually a good time for me to write this to remind myself to be more fearless this year :)

I think the coolest thing this project taught me was how to just keep going. Sometimes the picture would be complete crap but I still had to put it up. Not everyday was perfect but I was learning consistency. Now this didn't mean I never missed a day. I went through quite a few breakdowns here and there where I just didn't want to post. Life would get in the way, and excuses would creep there way in. Something would always compel me to keep going and I'm glad that I did. Looking back I'm happy I had those moments of weakness because it taught me how to fall and get right back up again. Isn't that how we all learned how to walk anyways!?! Failing is not nearly as scary to me anymore. I feel like if you're not failing, you're not doing. I think sometimes we give up too soon. If I had given up on project life at any of those moments, I would never have created some of my favorite images of project life.

I also really loved connecting with nature and my surroundings. It really made me feel blessed to be a part of such a beautiful world. I felt like for the first time I really LIVED through each season. I captured landscapes, flowers, trees, sunsets, skies and creatures. I was able to capture the emotion I felt in those moments through a photo. It was a way for me to explore the stages of life, of birth and decay.

Being a part of project life also helped me know what it was like to be a part of a supportive, creative, community. I found project life through a photographer I follow Elizabeth Messina (she's amazing). I would see her tag images as #projectlife365 and it got me curious. I started using the projectlife365 hashtag and all these people started liking my images on instagram. I then realized that people all over the world were doing their own project life journey through an organization called Project Life 365. It was organized into themes each day where you would tag the images and share. Each day project life would feature a few images based on the theme. I didn't always follow the theme but I enjoyed the challenge and did it often. I was featured five times by project life which was amazing, but it was really just icing on the cake for me. The thing I appreciated most was all the loving feedback and support from everyone who liked and commented on my images through both facebook, and instagram. It meant so much to me. It helped me keep going, it helped me be better and I felt like I was a part of something much greater than me. That's one reason I'm thankful for the world wide web! It brings people from different walks of life, with a common interest, together.

Finally, it helped me grow as an artist. I got to use all those stored up ideas in my head. It would force me to get out there and JUST DO IT! I didn't know how the picture would turn out but I had to show up and create. It forced me to think outside the box with certain themes. It forced me to carry my camera everywhere and take pictures all the time. I took sooo many pictures. I got used to using my camera quickly, experimented more with lenses, and with light and colors. I also took a whole lot of self-portraits!! Those were my favorite because I could express myself through color, makeup, fashion and my moods. I ended up creating an ongoing exploration of self through self-portraits called Project Introspection. You can check that out on my website here. Looking back, it's amazing to see how much I've grown as a photographer.

I would like to say to anyone out there that feels discouraged by life and it's hardships, you don't need the next diet or new dress to make you feel better. All you need is to look within. Have the strength to see the things you would like to change and take steps towards changing them. Don't be hard on yourself, habits take time to form. There is nothing you're not capable of learning to do. Don't let fear or failure stop you from being the best version of yourself. There is so much beauty out there and in YOU waiting to be discovered <3

"Don't be fooled by your emptiness..there's so much more room for happiness." Kaskade

These were some of my favorites from the year in a short clip. Music: Room for Happiness (Kaskade's ICE Mix) [feat. Skylar Grey]

So what's next??... A world of possibilities awaits....and I welcome the beauty, the breakdowns, and every lesson learned in between.

All my love,
Feda

P.S. I totally recommend any type of 30 day challenge or yearly challenge to anyone wanting to try something new. Pushing yourself with small projects is fun and rewarding. If you're interested in doing a photo a day 365 project I would check out @my_365 on instagram. Unfortunately project life 365 has retired and stopped doing the prompts :(

Hello 2014! Sparkle. You were meant to shine!

Hello 2014!

I can't believe another year has passed. I'm so grateful for 2013, and all of it's personal struggles and successes that I've experienced. I have learned so much about myself, about what I love, and what it's like to create art that I'm so proud of. In 2013 I started and completed project life 365, a photo a day project where I explored the world around me and the world within me. I took 365 photos exploring different themes, from nature, to the people and places around me, as well as plenty of self portraits! I will be sharing a small video with some of my favorites from the series later on this week with some reflections on the project as a whole. This image was sparkle for day 364 and one of my favorites of the year!

Throughout project life I realized how much I loved looking into my own emotions and creating images from them. I collected these images in a series that I called Project Introspection. You can see the collection on my website here. Through these self portraits, and the connections I made throughout the year, I gained quite a following on instagram. By the end of the year I had over 1,000 people following my instagram. That may be a small number for some but it was sooo HUGE for me. So huge that for a week I had anxiety everytime I uploaded an image onto my feed. I was overwhelmed that THAT many people found something interesting about me. I never imagined people would like what I do and even be inspired to pursue their own dreams because of my images and words. Thank you to everyone who has liked, commented and supported my journey in one way or another. It has meant the world to me and I'm truly grateful to all of you!!

For 2014 I want to continue this exploration of self through style, fashion photography, self- portraits and personal projects. My focus is on growing my creative spirit and vision and sharing it with all of you. I'm choosing this year to follow my intuition and trust that the wind that flows beneath my wings will guide me. I'm not sure where it will all take me, but I'm really feeling the "I don't have a plan" thing. Plans always have a way of changing and I don't want to have any expectations. I just want to do and create, NO THINKING, just more doing! I believe we're all meant to shine in our own unique ways. I'm done doing things because of what society or people think of it. I ditched the voice in my head that says I can't, that says you're not good enough, or you don't have what you need, the voice that has nothing to do with me. We all have potential that far surpasses what are brains can comprehend. At the end of the day I have my own moral compass to answer to, and that's the voice I want to hear more from. So I'll be listening, creating, and taking in the beautiful view along the way.

Much love, Feda

P.S. I will be doing more photography posts, adventures, and reflections throughout the week that I have not blogged about from 2013. Hoping to catch up with all of 2013 by the end of January!

Also, if you don't follow me on instagram, please do! I share little tidbits of my life, things i'm inspired by, things I'm currently reading, and lots of photos :) My profile: @fedfooda

Into the Valley: New Hampshire's White Mountains

When my lovely teacher/mentor miss Banafsheh (founder of Boston Photography Center) put up a photo trip to New Hampshire in our meetup group, I got really excited and had to go! Me and Anthony love traveling and we didn't get to do much of it this summer, so I jumped at the opportunity. It was a short day/night trip, we went up on Friday morning and came back the next day. It was part vacation and part photography adventure. We were challenged to document it in under 60 images (I think-I can't remember exactly now). I exceeded that number (bad student!). It was really hard given all the beauty!

Banafsheh emphasized choosing your moments as oppose to click, click, click. It totally changed my perspective. Some moments I had to be quick about, like the red cars driving by, but others I stared at and analyzed trying to find the right details and angles. I was reminded how much I loved photography given the freedom to take my time and capture it in my own unique way. I loved capturing the beauty through my personal viewfinder :) Banafsheh knew the area well so we saw sooo much in such little time. Honestly it was hard to take it all in while I was there. I was on sensory overload!

It was such a breathtaking and introspective trip for me personally. You never realize how much influence your surroundings have on you until you get away from them. Being surrounded by so much overwhelming beauty, the art of the ultimate Artist, you can't help but feel so refreshed and grateful for everything. Whenever I feel like I want more or that I'm not good enough at something or whatever else insecure ideas that pop up in my head, I remember to be thankful because we are always more blessed than we know. ALWAYS! I truly felt blessed and renewed after this trip!

Hope you enjoyed these. Did any of you take an introspective trip this past summer? Do you guys get re-energized by nature?!